“Marbled anything is so cool right now. You know what would be cool? A marbled canvas as an art piece. Yeah, yeah! That would be so awesome. I bet everyone would love that. Everyone loves marble!” Myself last week laying in bed trying to fall asleep. You know who doesn’t love marble? DIY. Maybe pinterest. Maybe just my inner craft goddess hates marble. Either way I had plans to come at you with this amazing DIY that would change your life. Oh how things have gone so very wrong.
Back In middle school I was taught that you can take a bucket full of water, nail polish, and glass jars to make a marble pattern on the jars. It was super easy, and a project I had long forgotten about until that careless night. So I put on my gloves, got out my A&E Hoarders nail polish collection, and went in blissfully naive.
It’s a really easy concept. “1. Fill a bucket with hot water. 2. Quickly add in your nail polish. 3. Stir to make the marble look. 4. Dip canvas and pull out. 5. High five yourself for being an artist genius. Matter of fact pour yourself a glass of wine, you’re fancy AF. The powerball winner will be begging to buy your pieces.”
Except step 5 didn’t happen like that. Step 5 went down a little more like this. “Step back, look at the shit show you created. Demand what 5 year old hyped up on skittles and coke, finger painted this monstrosity. “Is it a car? Is it a dog? Oh it’s Mommy.” Be so dumbfounded by your lack of artistic skill, that you blame it on everything but. Even try to attempt it again because there is no way this unicorn vomit was made by your own two hands.”
Step 5 attempt 2 looks better. Maybe that’s you just licking your wounds or the fumes from the nail polish. You begin to wonder if this is how abstract art started. If you squint, chug a bottle of wine, and turn around five time, it looks decent but you need a second opinion. You ask your husband, he’ll say it looks good. If anything we’ve learned he’s a liar, and that dress you bought last week probably does make it look like you have a third boob.
I guess step 6 here is acceptance? Maybe I’m just being a prideful bigot. So arrogant I put it on my desk. I call it Failure, because you can’t do everything perfect. I suppose that’s the real lesson in this. I loathe this lesson. Whatever, someone will buy it when I’m long gone. I don’t recommend this, but if you want, give it a try. I’m thinking it’s just canvas, not me, the canvas. Sigh. I’ll be off tending to my crafting wounds. This was a blow to my domestic ego.
What projects have you tried and failed? Send me your posts on them, I would love to know I’m not alone!