The Inuits have a saying, “Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.” Since I was a small child, I’ve always looked towards the sky. Out of wonderment, out of curiosity, and sometimes to find something. I don’t know what my natural gravitation to it is but it’s always been my amenity. Especially now when things are hard I step outside, and gaze at the constellations to ease my mind.
Ten years ago tomorrow, and yes, I do mean my birthday, I lost my Mother to a heart attack. For ten years I’ve taken to the internet to express my feelings and regards for losing her. Yet this year, I just don’t have much to say, much to harp over. See my Mother was the un-happiest person I’ve ever known. She was bipolar, and suffered severe depression. While what good days she had, felt better than any good day I’ll ever know, the older she got, the fewer they came. Being a child and watching that made me appreciate happiness. It fueled a life needing color, and joy. It made me also see the world completely different than her. A world that to me is worth finding good in, and feeling passionate about a multitude of people and hobbies. She loved every ounce of who I am, even if it was often the opposite of her. Especially because she knew I’d always choose happiness, something she could never do.
I know deep down, a long time ago, she would have wanted me to stop being unhappy about her loss. To let go of the pain and move on because it’s not my nature. I can’t nurture in it. I started embracing that a few years ago, and there are times it feels selfish. Most of the time though, the joy feels right. More so when I’m looking among those same stars that bring me peace when I dwell on this. Something feels right about it when I’m there, in that moment. Maybe it’s childhood wonderment that keeps bringing me back to think among the stars. Where I’ve processed this over time. Maybe though it’s like the Inuits, and like myself. I’m drawn to the night sky by a familiar happiness finally shining down to meet mine.
I love you, Mom. Circa 2/16/1989